Crush: Tony Soprano

When James Gandolfini died suddenly six years ago, fans of The Sopranos unironically celebrated his life by remembering him as the person he was not. Thus is the legacy of a beloved actor.

At his memorial Edie Falco reiterated this sentiment, saying “There are a lot of people who have a hard time believing that’s not who he really was.” Watching him give his Emmy acceptance speech without the New Jersey affect was surreal. The illusion of The Sopranos was so strong it made reality appear like another dimension.

As excellent as the writing was, The Sopranos could not have been special without Gandolfini. His weight and follicle count were attributes not often seen in lead roles, judgmentally deemed by Hollywood to be average. However, New York is TV town, and it is these exact attributes that made Tony Soprano relatable to so many fans.

Like tiny Joe Pesci in the lesser Goodfellas, Tony Soprano was not traditionally attractive, nor did he look swarthy or hirsute the way Italians are typically portrayed in mobster movies. He looked unique, with his fat armpits and a face as fearsome as it was jolly. It didn’t have to be angular or gruff. It was cherubic in its roundness, his thin lipped grin cute, boyish, mischievous. His exuded power came from his massive roundness. He was the shape of a teddy bear until he wanted to be as brutal as a grizzly. Many women found him sexually attractive with the weight and power of his size. Tony wasn’t like Bobby or Vito either; so fat he couldn’t be taken seriously as a boss. He was out of shape, but he still knew how to fight, and was cunning enough to know when to prove it to his crew.

Women are attracted by confidence. I am attracted by the unexpected. The masculine men of The Sopranos were emotional devils without discretion. I was attracted by their unexpected appearances, especially because they didn’t resemble the “assholes” manufactured by Hollywood. Preferable assholes are the ones that look like they were so bullied in high school that they grew up to bully the world.

Michael Imperioli had that same unique kind of look as Tony Soprano, with the exception that he sounded like Christopher Moltisanti when accepting an Emmy. This made it easier to believe that he “was that way.” He was selected with the same eye as Tony Soprano: because he could act, and had the physical attributes that Hollywood ignores. He may have looked like a dweeb, but he played a temperamental mobster with a hot girlfriend.

Good example: In the first season, Christopher is at a bakery,, buying cannolis for the crew. The kid behind the counter is making him wait, unfairly. Eventually Christopher loses his temper, tells the customer to take a walk, pulls out his gun and orders the kid behind the counter to put the cannolis in the box.

“Do I look like a pussy to you?”

“No.”

“Then why the hell would you give me a hard time and treat me like I’m nothing to worry about?”

“Come on, I’m not gonna hurt ya,” he says before shooting the kid in the foot. It’s a lesson: Christopher might look like pussy, but he certainly doesn’t act like one.

I liked to watch Christopher, with his atrophied arms, beat up someone bigger than him, someone with nicer arms. It was realistic too, because he would kick them in the nuts first.

In this case, attraction isn’t about love, it is about respect. Sometimes, respect is fear. For a civilian fan like me, that fear could also be awe, and that awe, alongside great writing and storytelling, kept me attracted. I don’t like to be around people I’m afraid of, and don’t like to get kicked in the nuts. I can watch the show, feel the exhilaration of fear and suffer none of the consequences. It’s like riding a roller coaster.

As boss, Tony’s greatest perk was getting away with making choices that broke the oath. His hypocrisy was forgiven by the audience, and reluctantly, by his crew. Using fear Tony gave them reason to respect him, regardless of his actions.

Only temperamental Christopher had the balls to call Tony a hypocrite because the two were “family.” (They were cousins once removed.) However, Christopher was the only family Tony didn’t mind treating with his hands. Thus is the perk of "family" business—getting the guy made gives you a right to put your hands on him when he mouths off. Tony would grab Christopher by the throat, get in his face and tell him, “you don’t have to love me, but you will respect me.”

To a younger, more naive viewer, Tony’s chief attraction is his criminality and the secrecy of the underground world in which he operates. This lawlessness is romantic because of the severe consequences the characters know they can suffer. It is badass. (These characters would resent that term.) Tony was so stressed by this life that he had to seek therapy for his panic attacks. Not that there were ever results.

The more mature viewer will experience peak attraction because criminality (secrecy) meets therapy (exposure). This is unconventional behavior for a mafia boss to expose his hidden feelings with a civilian, but it fit the character well. Tony lives by his own rules, even the rules that he swore to his “family” never to break. This is granted by his title, and makes him a forgivable, graceful hypocrite.

The oath of the mob is a superficial one. They need to call it a “family” is to establish a bond to discourage betrayal. The family pretends to love you like a family, but their instinct is to protect themselves first. When they see an opportunity to quickly ascend the ranks, even if it means killing their fellow “family” they actually consider the consequences.

Tony is not a good man—he cheats on his wife and murders his enemies—but he is a decent man—he may be tough on his children, but he doesn’t abuse them, and he takes care of his ungracious and elderly mother. He gives into the temptation of gambling, and other women and we disagree but accept it as his lifestyle. Criminals make their own laws, that is what makes this entertainment. Our family values are tested by their “family” circumstances.

The violence Tony employs to get money from 'degenerate gamblers' is unusual for a spineless civilian, but it is only part of the larger portrait of Tony’s life and upbringing. We are conflicted when like Tony anyway. We respect him because of the hard choices he has to make and we begin to understand his struggles, despite his demeanor. His struggles to do what is right for the business and still maintain the respect of the crew and his normal family. It is a balancing act. High stakes are attractive from the couch. The reason Tony Soprano is an attractive characters is the same reason why Donald Trump was elected President. If The Wire is a portrait of Baltimore, The Sopranos is a portrait of Tony Soprano.

The ending of The Sopranos left Tony’s fate mysterious. With Gandolfini still out there, us fans felt that Tony was doing just fine. With Gandolfini now gone, we have lost Tony Soprano for good. We will always remember James Gandolfini for the man he was not. The fictional man is more real to more people than the man who portrayed him. This essay was a celebrated defense of Tony Soprano, not a celebration of James Gandolfini’s depiction of him. James Gandolfini was Tony Soprano, but he was not Tony Soprano. Thus is the legacy of this truly amazing actor. RIP.