Unsolicited Advice: Should I give an ultimatum?

DEAR AMY,

I have been seeing my boyfriend for nine months. We are middle-aged, and are talking about building a life together.

When we met, he told me that he has remained good friends with all of his ex-girlfriends.
He dated his most recent ex for a year (they broke up a year before we met), but they were close friends for a decade before that.

She is probably his closest friend. The problem is that she refuses to meet me, or to include me in any social activities they engage in. She has since admitted to my boyfriend that she wants him back. He has made it clear to her that that wouldn’t happen, but he doesn’t want to lose her friendship.

He keeps asking me to be patient with the situation, and that it will hopefully resolve itself, but from my perspective, the resentment (definitely on my side, and probably on hers, too) is just growing by the day.

He has been open and honest with me about everything regarding her, and I trust him, but the situation feels unbearable to me at this stage. He refuses to let the friendship go. Is it time for me to make an ultimatum, or am I overreacting? 

Frustrated Current GF

He doesn’t want to “lose her friendship” because he likes the attention. He likes feeling desired by multiple women. There is no other reason to stay friends with an ex-girlfriend that still loves you while denying her that love in return. He does it for his ego.

She shouldn’t be his closest friend because you are his closest friend. She is jealous of your relationship with him because she wants a relationship with him. He knows he cannot have two relationships simultaneously, but he can have one-and-a-half.

You feel resentment because this ex-girlfriend is threatening your relationship. If he really cares for you and loves you, there is nothing more important than you. Certainly not extraneous friendships with ex-girlfriends. He is doing her no favors by remaining friends with her either. She will never move on.

You are not overreacting. It feels unbearable to you for a good reason. Tell him how this unnecessary friendship is making you feel. He might be empathetic and mature, and won’t need an ultimatum.

DEAR AMY:

Six weeks ago we invited our adult married son and his wife to a special ticketed event. I asked my son three different times before I made the purchase: “Are you sure you can and will go?” He and his wife both said, “Yes, we will go. We said we would go, and we will go.”

So I bought the expensive tickets (great seats) four nonrefundable tickets in all for $340.
Then I get a phone call from my son, who told me that they were not going. He told me it’s “not their thing” and that the event interfered with their three-day weekend (we had also discussed that before we purchased the tickets).

He told us to invite someone else.

I told them it was not my job to try to resell these tickets or invite another couple. I told him I expected them to pay us $160.

I mailed their two tickets to them and sent them a bill for $160.
Why should we get stiffed?

          My son said he would be mailing the tickets back to us.

I said, “OK, we can’t make you do the right thing.” 

Were we out of line?

           Upset Parent

No. Your son is a flaky asshole. It doesn’t matter if in retrospect it is “not their thing.” (How petty!) They said they would attend. Then you bought tickets for them. Reselling the tickets they bought with your money is their responsibility.

You can’t make him do the right thing, but it’s a shame that he doesn’t know what the right thing is.