Pit Vipers are gay and stupid looking

but I bought a pair for $40 and they arrive tomorrow. 

Explanation

I have been well trained by the media to want more more more, so when I inevitably break/lose the cheap crap that I can afford it is a convenient excuse to obtain a cheap replacement, preferably by buying, which releases awesome endorphins. 

Historically, sunglasses are like lighters; I never have to buy them because whenever I need them I magically find them in a lost-n-found, an act that appeals to my naturally stingy proclivities.

But something strange has been happening to me over the past six months or so, when I began to notice, and then "hate" Pit Vipers enough to buy a pair. 

Explanation continued 

(Bear with me)

My growing interest with Pit Vipers resembles the exponential self-destruction of the west, albeit in one year (June 2020/21) vs the near millennium after Thomas Aquinas' death in 1274.

The story of my eventual purchase begins way back one year ago when Dr. Disrespect, a popular Twitch streamer, was mysteriously banned from a platform I don't watch.

This story was only of an anthropological interest before it faded from my memory hole minutes after I asked myself 'Who is Dr.Disrespect anyway?' 

It was only when I began writing this post, just now, that Dr. Disrespect and his facial accessories re-emerged into my memory hole, putting the near-acknowledgement of his sunglasses as my Pit Viper Ground Zero moment as June 2020. 

This speaks to the power of Pit Vipers on my sub-conscious; I hadn't thought about Dr. Disrespect in one year, and didn't even recall his name. But I did recall his outfit, including mullet and moustache (both of which I've rocked) and sunglasses....

The next watershed moment in this ensuing purchase was finally acknowledging that there is an irl streamer eponymously named Baked Alaska after hearing his name mentioned from the mouths of other internet personalities multiple times. (Once again, never watching his streams.) 

And when I saw a picture of him (visually acknowledging my auditory acknowledgment) I noticed his sunglasses this time (unlike Dr. Disrespect, Baked Alaska had a look, not a costume) and explicitly thought 'oh, sunglasses.' His sunglasses were an accessory to this look--bleached hair, brown beard, neon outfits--and his attitude. I don't have a streamer's personality and therefore felt that the sunglasses were For Streamers Only.

Then in early June 2021 Milo Yiannopolis made a remark about how Pit Vipers made a Pride themed Instagram post that got ratio'd because they 'don't understand their clientele.'

I thought, 'What are Pit Vipers?' and then, 'Ohhhh, the sunglasses that Baked Alaska wears!'

It was starting to make sense. 

My black sunglasses that I bought for $4 last Fall were still in my possession and still unbroken, and I did not feel a subconsciously coerced need for new sunglasses, especially Pit Vipers because they were too flashy and ugly. They were definitely not my style. (This coming from a fanboy of Osiris D3 2001.)

Irony is gay. But could these antiquated sunglasses from the last golden age actually be cool? In the same way fedoras are actually cool? In spite of the dweebs and atheists that currently ruin them? 

Over the next two weeks I'd see various e-celebrities wearing Pit Vipers "ironically," and think, 'Those are Pit Vipers.' Then: 'Pit Vipers are gay looking.' And then, to no one: 'Right?'

Then last week, after spending the evening eating gelato with the Dominicans, I lost my sunglasses--they just disappeared! I wasn't even drunk!--and I groaned because I really liked them, and felt as naked as I was blind without them in the morning sun. 

Then on telegram two days later I saw yet another pair of e-celebrities wearing Pit Vipers. I looked at them for a long time, then I zoomed in on their faces with my thumb and forefinger, and stared into my own reflection of their Pit Vipers and saw myself wearing Pit Vipers, and finally understood that owning Pit Vipers was written into my birth, as inevitable as the Second Coming. 

I felt an urgency for them to be on my face as quickly as a fire needed to be put out in the pants I'm wearing.

Conclusion

I am a dissident. 

I drink Monster Energy, wear Pit Vipers, and when a journalist asks me for my name I answer, "Fuck Off."

Living The Truth takes guts. And it takes guts to stand out. And that's what Pit Vipers are for.