how to chew correctly

Cheese wasn't designed to be nourishing, or eaten to excess; it's smell is too pungent, its flavor too overpowering, sensual, orgasmic.

Cheese is a dessert.

Sure, it can strengthen the flavor of a unseasoned burger, turning an under appreciated delicacy into a forbidden one. It can also perform magic: all that is required for regular dough to be sold as pizza is a light sprinkling of shredded mozzarella. The higher the quality of the ingredients the more expensive the slice, but Pizza Hut will confirm that cheese is the selling point.

Cheese is consumed to excess on a pizza, like chocolate is consumed to excess in a slab of fudge, or a chocolate layer cake. The human body obviously doesn't need these empty calories. The human tongue, the penis/clitoris of the mouth, craves the flavor. And the media facilitates that craving of the brain by portraying food the same way it portrays sex. (You knew I was going to blame the media for something at some point, right?) Much like sex, eating dessert/cheese is consequential, but when done responsibly, those negative consequences are minimized for maximum, guilt-free enjoyment.

Like chocolate, cheese is high calorie and high fat, and a little crumb or slice of the stuff goes a very long way in terms of taste, though cheese is superior as the more consistent dessert. Unlike even the exemplary frozen dairy dessert ice cream, cheese can stand on its own, without any addition of the diabolically addictive ingredient, sugar. Without sugar or chocolate flavored peanut butter sugar, ice cream is just cold, albeit creamy, mush.

Cheese is garnish, it is pleasure, and it goes unappreciated in the ways it is consumed.

As I was abstaining from desserts I noticed that those around me consumed them like they were drinking antidote for a poison. They'd quickly chew and swallow precious morsels in a disgusting and offensive way. On one such occasion a co-worker had been gifted a large Kit-Kat bar. He didn't break them apart like the ads recommended, and instead took massive, careless, thoughtless bites. A Kit-Kat is one of the only candy bars that respects itself enough to maximize the length of the pleasure it affords the consumer by its own design. The pieces are portioned! Break them off! Take small bites you fucking asshole!

My co-worker took out chunks of the candy bar with his wretched mouth. He ate the king size bar in six bites, under 2 minutes. It reminded me of a friend from high school who wouldn't peel his string cheese, and ate it like he was being force fed broccoli.

Too often people accustomed to eating candy and dessert whenever they want eat it however they want, and in so doing disrespect it out of inexcusable ignorance. Because they have never gone without, they don't know exactly how much it means to them, and to a greater extent, me.

(I would never explain to an ungrateful adult the proper way to chew dessert. It might be necessary, but it could be misconstrued as condescending, which makes this effort futile.)

The absolute best way to eat dessert is as slowly as possible.

Once the dessert is mashed--and before swallowing--use the tongue like a washcloth to bath the entire mouth in its flavor. Remember: dessert isn't nourishment. Its texture is a vehicle for flavor. Don't worry if the texture is swallowed because the flavor will linger. Swallowing should only occur when it is physically impossible for the substance to remain on the tongue with any of its noticeable flavor remaining. When consumed slowly, this process will occur naturally, by design.

Don't swallow too quickly! The texture can be regurgitated, and prolonged. The tongue can scrape the corners of the mouth where textures have hidden in the chaotic violence of the mashing. Every flavor can be enjoyed 5x as long as most people have the patience for!

The hardest part to master is allowing time between bites. The brain takes over the mouth and demands more! more! more! immediately. With training, this screaming addiction can be quelled. Take a sip of water, take a sip of coffee, count to ten, smell the air, and then take another bite to repeat the process.

For me, a slab of fat from a steak is the best "dessert." The flavor lasts and lasts and lasts, and it can rest on the tongue indefinitely, without dissolving. It is like chewing tobacco in the way that it can remain hidden inside the mouth, simultaneously acting as an analgesic for its pain-relieving/pleasure enhancing qualities. This such flavor is very intense, and it is almost like getting tickled, or having an orgasm.

Or a crumb of bleu cheese in dark chocolate. Movies might be made enjoyable again, with a snack like that.