Dear Amy,
I am the proud mom of two young adults, ages 25 and 22. I do not like or approve of my 22-year-old daughter’s boyfriend! He just does not “belong” in our family!
She knew we would not approve of him because of religious/ethnic background differences.
He is 25 years old and does not have a paying job. He is at my house constantly. When my daughter suggested he get a job as a bartender or a waiter on the weekends, he mocked her.
My daughter is in nursing school. When discussing the shifts nurses work, he actually said, “You could get a second job!”
We invited him on our family vacation. We booked three suites at the St. Regis in Rome. He showed up with an extra-large ripped suitcase and ordered the most expensive meals.
He got an all-expense-paid trip to Italy, and when my daughter liked a souvenir necklace (70 euros) he didn’t even buy it for her!
He is late all the time, if he shows up at all. He’s up all night, gaming.
My daughter insists she is willing to fight for her relationship! I cannot sleep at night. I foresee her marrying this loser and paying him alimony! My anxiety over this is off the charts. I can’t just sit back and watch her destroy her life.
I told her that if she marries this guy I will not pay for the wedding and the student loans are all hers!
Am I wrong? I need an unbiased opinion.
Heartbroken Mom
You are not wrong to want your daughter to be with a responsible, hardworking and caring man. That is the purpose of having, in the very least, religious similarities; you can be assured that the values of your daughter and her boyfriend will be the same.
Unfortunately, generational differences and crypto religious "differences" have made your daughter resistant to your input. She is accustomed to men that are lazy and stingy because she is blinded by her emotions for them.
By saying that you won't pay for her loans, or her wedding you are threatening your daughter. Not only is she a good girl that does not deserve these threats, but she will view them as more of a reason to fight you for her boyfriend.
Though hardworking she is still naive. She feels like he has the potential to change his inconsiderate ways, and she has the energy to motivate him. Everyone has the potential to change, but only if they want to change. If he showed any signs of wanting to change for her--which he doesn't--this wouldn't be futile on her part.
The best way to get through to her is to confirm her self worth through your shared values, meanwhile guiding her thinking about the practicality of imposing an epiphany on her dense boyfriend.
Tell her, "I am very proud of you. And I support your many good decisions. I think that your intentions of trying to make this relationship work are sincere, but I am concerned that you may be accommodating disrespectful behavior.
You are a hard worker, but your boyfriend does not work at all. He is not willing to listen to your justifiable requests without mocking you because he cares more about himself and preserving his own pleasure than he does making normal sacrifices for your relationship to work. He has it easy with you, and he wants to keep it that way, which means that you will be making all of the sacrifices moving forward. He has already made this clear to you! His problems are deep rooted and do not get better with time, and the more concessions you make, the more unlikely he will learn and change.
By making excuse for his inconsiderate behavior you are actually doing him more harm than good. He cannot become a good man this way, and you will be the one that suffers.
You are a smart girl with strong values; you want a man that cares for you, not a man that requires that you support him.
Please consider this. You are young, beautiful and smart and can find someone who wants to commit to you in the way that you deserve."
Unfortunately, generational differences and crypto religious "differences" have made your daughter resistant to your input. She is accustomed to men that are lazy and stingy because she is blinded by her emotions for them.
By saying that you won't pay for her loans, or her wedding you are threatening your daughter. Not only is she a good girl that does not deserve these threats, but she will view them as more of a reason to fight you for her boyfriend.
Though hardworking she is still naive. She feels like he has the potential to change his inconsiderate ways, and she has the energy to motivate him. Everyone has the potential to change, but only if they want to change. If he showed any signs of wanting to change for her--which he doesn't--this wouldn't be futile on her part.
The best way to get through to her is to confirm her self worth through your shared values, meanwhile guiding her thinking about the practicality of imposing an epiphany on her dense boyfriend.
Tell her, "I am very proud of you. And I support your many good decisions. I think that your intentions of trying to make this relationship work are sincere, but I am concerned that you may be accommodating disrespectful behavior.
You are a hard worker, but your boyfriend does not work at all. He is not willing to listen to your justifiable requests without mocking you because he cares more about himself and preserving his own pleasure than he does making normal sacrifices for your relationship to work. He has it easy with you, and he wants to keep it that way, which means that you will be making all of the sacrifices moving forward. He has already made this clear to you! His problems are deep rooted and do not get better with time, and the more concessions you make, the more unlikely he will learn and change.
By making excuse for his inconsiderate behavior you are actually doing him more harm than good. He cannot become a good man this way, and you will be the one that suffers.
You are a smart girl with strong values; you want a man that cares for you, not a man that requires that you support him.
Please consider this. You are young, beautiful and smart and can find someone who wants to commit to you in the way that you deserve."
