Unsolicited Advice 7

Dear Carolyn,

I had a baby six months ago. Because of luck, general good health and diet/exercise, I gained a fairly small amount of weight during pregnancy and shed it pretty quickly afterward. 

My friend "Mia" is 18 weeks pregnant with her first baby and has gained substantially more weight than I did but looks great and apparently is in good health. Our families get together often, and her husband has taken to casually interviewing me about how I stayed in shape through pregnancy. 

He is totally transparent — he only asks when Mia is in the room, presumably either to help motivate her or to outright shame her for gaining weight. 

I don't want to be complicit in this. What should I say to Mia's husband, and do I say it in front of her or privately? I don't just want him to stop asking ME for advice, I want him to stop shaming her altogether. 

— Complicit in Mommy Shaming

You want too much.

What is 'shame' to you could be a tested dynamic that works for both of them. Shame is the best motivator after all. There is no shame in shame, especially from a loved one.

Mia's husband has his reasons for thinking and acting this way, and they are somewhat justified, at least to him. Therefore you can't shame him into not shaming his wife. You can only not answer his questions and hope they talk about it with one another, assuming they haven't done so already, which you have.

It is also possible that Mia could be too embarrassed to ask you for your diet regiment herself, and asked her husband to nudge you on it because she is ashamed of herself. Your very diet could be shaming her. You could be shaming her without knowing it!

But, if you are convinced this is shaming and that shaming is always wrong then simply stop answering questions. If you want to be an activist about it then privately tell him to stop shaming Mia and see how he responds.

DEAR AMY, 

A dear friend recently passed away, leaving a very unworldly 32-year-old daughter with a great deal of money and property. 

Until he was very sick, she was unwilling to be friendly toward me. After his death I brought her to our home, a five-hour drive away. The idea was to get some peace in the area where I live. 

I paid for everything: gas, tolls and food. It never once occurred to her to offer any financial help or to pay for a meal. 

She only wanted to shop (over an hour away) where, again, it was my money for gas, my driving, etc. (I am 68). There was no gratitude expressed for any of my trouble. 

I invited her again, four months later. The same situation prevailed. No offer to help with expenses. Basically, a demand to shop, followed by no “thank you.” 

I am incensed. This time, when she got home, I texted, “I think there is a little phrase missing: ‘thank you.'” She responded, “Oh, I thought I said it. Thank you.” She has shown no gratitude or willingness to pay the others who give her rides (she doesn’t drive), or who helped her through her father’s illness! 

I’m done, but I’m on the fence about whether I should write her to set her straight about gratitude and how much a “thank you” means. 

What do you think? 

Incensed

Say whatever you want to her. She is 32. Whatever hasn't sunk in yet likely will not sink in unless people treat her like the spoiled 32 year old that she is. A dying father is no excuse not to thank someone.