Dear Amy,
Perhaps you can help me negotiate a sensitive breakup — with my book club.
Ten of us have been meeting monthly for seven years, since our founding by a dear friend (who passed away recently). We have had a pleasantly eclectic sequence of fiction and nonfiction books and, invariably, terrific meals.
But lately we've had a run of titles I just find tedious. More and more, conversation drifts from our book to work, family, vacations and other matters I don't much care to chatter about. I find myself daydreaming about more exciting book partners.
There are great reasons to belong to a book club. It keeps you anchored to a world of books and focused, intellectual conversation. You may find yourself in the company of worthy people you'd otherwise not have met. In my big city, there are bound to be abundant alternatives.
The other book club members are neighborhood friends and other acquaintances whom I like. I don't want to hurt their feelings, and I can't think of any way to gently back away. If I say I can't do second Tuesdays anymore, they will surely agree to find a new night. But it's time to go. How?
Burned-out BookieThe books are tedious but you like the company...so skim the books and attend the club as a friend. The conversation drifts from the book anyway, so they won't know that you are missing the finer points of the plot. Play dumb if they pick on you.You can find a book club more suitable to your expertise in the meantime.
When the lying about reading the book and the pressure of another Book Club inevitably reaches its boiling point, you can release the stress and come clean. They will have no problem letting you go after that. Or keeping you as an honorary member.
This is the coward's way out, but you refuse to be honest with them because of the death of the founding friend. This person died and the group remains. Do you really think that the group will cease because you leave? Or are you afraid of what they will say about you in your absence?
Dear Amy,
Today is the eighth anniversary of my marriage. We are spending it apart.
Two years ago, my husband started putting a body pillow between us in bed, he said, "I don't consider us married anymore." He is not having an affair.
He is very wealthy. We have separate bank accounts.
He has given his adult children millions.
He just gave the house we live in to his youngest son and is building a new one. He has even made the comment that I should feel privileged to be living in his house, rent free. He refuses to go to marriage counseling. We live in a community property state. There was no prenup.
He is very emotionally abusive and a narcissist. Until I came along no one ever stood up to him. I even had to go out of the county to find an attorney because local people are so intimidated by him.
Call me paranoid, but every night he brings me a drink and I don't dare drink it.
Should I go or stay?
Worried
Go. He is not afraid of you anymore and has let you know it with a body pillow. His mind is made up and you cannot convince him otherwise probably because he is a wealthy and powerful narcissist.
You held the title of standing up to him for a long time. It is pathetic to cling to this past glory.
His children don't sound like your children either, so they will turn on you and take his side when things get worse. I don't know why he is trying to poison you when there is no prenup, but he can make your death look accidental. Isn't your life worth more than this marriage?
