Unsolicited Advice #4

Dear Amy, 

My husband and I have a good relationship, but last night a small argument spiraled out of control.

I told him that it makes me feel anxious when our lawn is the last one on the block to be mowed. Such a small thing, I know, but his response really got under my skin.

First, he said that if I really cared about the lawn, I wouldn’t have asked him to drop by the store on the way home. I wasn’t asking him to mow last night, but was just expressing my feelings about it.

His response made me feel like he was questioning my feelings. I wish he could have just said, “OK, I understand. I’ll do it tomorrow” or even, “My back is really hurting me tonight; but I’ll get to it soon” or something other than his snide comeback.

I felt like he was gaslighting me. I told him that he was gaslighting me, and that is when things spiraled.

He called me an “ass,” slept in the basement, and this morning he emailed me a list of websites that define gaslighting. He rehashed our conversation, point by point, to emphasize how wrong I was about everything. He also asked for an apology.

I wasn’t trying to name-call, but I really did feel like he was gaslighting me.

I haven’t apologized, because I feel like this is manipulative behavior. Now he’s saying he’s not coming home tonight. Am I totally in the wrong here?

Gaslit?

You were wrong to say he was gaslighting--which he wasn't--and he was wrong to sleep on the couch, then threaten not to come home unless he receives an apology.

For those who do not read relationship blogs, gaslighting is a term used to describe the behavior of an abuser that manipulates information in such a way as to make their victim question their sanity.

It is a completely loaded term and should always be avoided, especially during a disagreement between husband and wife in an otherwise healthy relationship.

If you are going to call your husband a gaslighter, then call him a liar. In this case, you asked for him to lie, and gave examples of acceptable lies: back hurts, tired, etc. Instead of lying he placed the blame on you.

This isn't manipulation to make you think that you are crazy. He isn't saying that the lawn shouldn't be mowed and that you are imagining its length compared to the neighbors. He is your good husband, so give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he had a tough day and wrongfully blamed you for mismanaging his precious weekend time.

You were right to defend yourself against this blame, but you were wrong to say that he was gaslighting; that denotes abuse on his part. If you have a good relationship with him then you'd understand that his hurt feelings were the source of his overreaction.

Start by apologizing to him. Then when he comes home explain why it was wrong to call him an abuser. After he accepts your honest apology you can explain why the blame he laid on you caused you to think things that you know are not true. Give him the benefit of the doubt, as he will give you, and then move on.

The only time gaslight can be used is when the relationship is over, and one person can specifically cite all of the times they were purposely mislead as a means their spouse used to control their behavior. It is as bold an accusation as it is a death knell.